Today has been a difficult Smommy day for me. I believe that there are certain things that, as a stepmom, will be a lot more difficult to get over and work past than others. The fact that neither one of my children is biologically mine, has been one of those challenges. But I think the biggest challenge in both my personal life, as well as in my profession, is getting over that some parents only pretend to be parents.
I would bend over backwards for either one of my children. I would protect them at all costs. But even more than that, my greatest goal is to see them achieve and succeed, and to be a part of that is the most rewarding thing I have ever had the pleasure to be a part of.
So when we go to school events and we get to see all their hard work and how much they are learning, there is a sense of pride that we are doing something right at home. Neither one of my children had the greatest home life, starting out. And one of my sons still has many struggles to overcome; so to see them at their finest moments is such a blessing and a relief, that they are not just surviving, but thriving.
But there's times when the other bio-parent gets in the way of that. I try my hardest to focus only on my children, but there has been spun a web of lies about me that is very difficult to swallow. When you know the truth about someone, watching them spin their bullshit to everyone around you is a difficult thing to listen to and watch. Even as a teacher, I can see which parents are involved, both positively and negatively, and which ones are just letting their children scrap by. It angers me to a point of retreat from the world, because I can't stand the disappointment. I can't stand the fact that I can't save them all.
I will not ever get the chance to have biological children; a realization that is very painful for me to bear. I cannot tell you how many times I've researched how to change it, fix it, prayed for it; but for some reason it is not in the cards for me. Watching all of these parents pretend to care, pretend to be there is that much harder to swallow because in my opinion they don't deserve the wonderful gift they were given. These people who shouldn't have kids can have them in dozens; while I suffer, childless, to watch parents cast their children aside; those same kids who deserve love, attention, guidance, and so much more than what they are given.
Watching from the outside is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. In reflection of this realization, I guess my challenge to you, is to be there. Don't be absent, physically or mentally. Even if you only have your stepchild periodically, or EOW, show them that you are there, always. Use the time you are given to give them the things they need, the love they need, that they may not be getting elsewhere. You may not be able to make a difference everywhere, but it starts with one.
Don't waste what you are given. They need you.
Be Brave,
Smommy Meredith
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
Full of Reflections
I was sitting at home last night thinking about how far we have come in the last four years. There have been some new developments this week in Austin's custody case, and even though I am anxious and nervous, I feel at peace with how far we've come and how long we have stayed true to the path we set for ourselves. As I review all of the history and evidence we have gathered for several years there are two things that come to mind about our situation that I wanted to share.
Pick your battles....and always do it in person. The first of which, I think, is pretty self explanatory.
In this day and age, it is very easy for people to hide behind social media and text messaging. People don't talk on the phone very often, and many of our bullying cases start from the use of a social media website. People get brave when they can hide behind the internet or their phone's screen saver. But one thing I have learned about being in a blended family is that when its time to talk about the kids, never do it through a phone.
Many people don't know how to write certain tones in their text messages or emails. I've actually had people tell me that you can't put tone in writing. YES YOU CAN! Don't argue with me, I have schooling and experience to prove it. Often times when we don't know how to relay the right tone, we send the wrong one. Even asking for something simple like "can I drop him off at 8 instead of 7" can turn into a huge argument when the wrong tone is sent.
There were many times that Gavin was trying to communicate with Austin's bio mom about what he needed. "Austin needs a stable mother," or "Please try harder for Austin," would be twisted around into "Gavin is keeping Austin from me" or "Gavin is trying to make me look like the bad parent." Its stupid and pointless in my opinion, but it made our lives a lot more stressful and frustrating to deal with her through a phone. Finally, I told Gavin to stop dealing with her text messages, and make her deal with you. She wasn't nearly as brave (although still stubborn) and cocky in person, and we could actually figure out issues and make arrangements accordingly. This changed our lives, for the better.
Now, as a side note, I will add this advice as well: the one thing our first crappy attorney told us to do (that actually worked out for us) was to document. Document every situation, every contact, and take pictures. When we did have to deal with her through text and/or email, it made it very easy for us to get hard core proof of the situation. Then it was not our word against hers. I have, literally, hundreds of photos on my computer of our conversations with Austin's bio mom. They were for our protection, but mostly for Austin's protection. This the only down side in doing things in person.
At one point, Austin's BM tried to attack me and my husband in a parking lot when we were dropping off Austin. The Department of Child Services was called, on her, not long after that and she tried to tell them that WE pinned HER to the side of her car and she felt that her life had been threatened. This is what I mean; there are risks involved when dealing with everything in person. But if you seem to have a decent and somewhat stable situation with the ex/bio parent, then make the effort to get along, and leave the social media drama to the tweens.
All in all, doing things in person has really cut down on the stress in our lives. Not to mention, there are some texts that are just not worth replying to. It took a while before Gavin and I could swallow our pride and not have to have the last word. But we are happier when we can put down the phone and walk away from a problem, that shouldn't be a problem to begin with. It has helped us focus on the things that are important; like Brian and Austin.
Be Brave,
Smommy Meredith
Pick your battles....and always do it in person. The first of which, I think, is pretty self explanatory.
In this day and age, it is very easy for people to hide behind social media and text messaging. People don't talk on the phone very often, and many of our bullying cases start from the use of a social media website. People get brave when they can hide behind the internet or their phone's screen saver. But one thing I have learned about being in a blended family is that when its time to talk about the kids, never do it through a phone.
Many people don't know how to write certain tones in their text messages or emails. I've actually had people tell me that you can't put tone in writing. YES YOU CAN! Don't argue with me, I have schooling and experience to prove it. Often times when we don't know how to relay the right tone, we send the wrong one. Even asking for something simple like "can I drop him off at 8 instead of 7" can turn into a huge argument when the wrong tone is sent.
There were many times that Gavin was trying to communicate with Austin's bio mom about what he needed. "Austin needs a stable mother," or "Please try harder for Austin," would be twisted around into "Gavin is keeping Austin from me" or "Gavin is trying to make me look like the bad parent." Its stupid and pointless in my opinion, but it made our lives a lot more stressful and frustrating to deal with her through a phone. Finally, I told Gavin to stop dealing with her text messages, and make her deal with you. She wasn't nearly as brave (although still stubborn) and cocky in person, and we could actually figure out issues and make arrangements accordingly. This changed our lives, for the better.
Now, as a side note, I will add this advice as well: the one thing our first crappy attorney told us to do (that actually worked out for us) was to document. Document every situation, every contact, and take pictures. When we did have to deal with her through text and/or email, it made it very easy for us to get hard core proof of the situation. Then it was not our word against hers. I have, literally, hundreds of photos on my computer of our conversations with Austin's bio mom. They were for our protection, but mostly for Austin's protection. This the only down side in doing things in person.
At one point, Austin's BM tried to attack me and my husband in a parking lot when we were dropping off Austin. The Department of Child Services was called, on her, not long after that and she tried to tell them that WE pinned HER to the side of her car and she felt that her life had been threatened. This is what I mean; there are risks involved when dealing with everything in person. But if you seem to have a decent and somewhat stable situation with the ex/bio parent, then make the effort to get along, and leave the social media drama to the tweens.
All in all, doing things in person has really cut down on the stress in our lives. Not to mention, there are some texts that are just not worth replying to. It took a while before Gavin and I could swallow our pride and not have to have the last word. But we are happier when we can put down the phone and walk away from a problem, that shouldn't be a problem to begin with. It has helped us focus on the things that are important; like Brian and Austin.
Be Brave,
Smommy Meredith
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