It makes me really sad that the last time I posted on here was on a negative note. Actually it seems slightly pathetic on my part, because the point behind this was to show that moms, step or otherwise, all have their bad days. I never intended faking on here that being a mom is easy and a stepmom even easier; but I also didn't intend to leave you on such a negative note, and not come back for months at a time. For that, I apologize.

Since my blog is still new, there is a shitload in Austin's custody case that I have not shared with you. There is so much that I could tell you about, but let me start at the beginning of the story an give you a slight glimpse of the U turn my life took when I met Gavin. Maybe there are some of you who can relate to walking into a situation much like this one.

Even though Austin was already two when I entered his hellhole of a situation, it didn’t stop me from being there. When Gavin took primary custody, we entered a world of unknowns with Austin and the instability of his situation made every single part of him in-stable; mentally, emotionally, physically.

Austin wouldn’t sleep because he was afraid we were going to leave him somewhere. He did not trust very many people and would scream if we were not in his direct line of sight.

Austin wouldn’t eat anything that wasn’t fried and was allergic to milk.

Austin wouldn’t talk, only point and grunt, because he had never been talked to. He would throw fits when he couldn’t communicate what he wanted.

Austin was so tired all the time, he would fall asleep every time we got into a car. He would only sleep with Gavin and me, and even then it was only a few hours at a time. We use to take turns staying up with him, so at least one of us could get enough sleep in order to function. It took over a year to get him comfortable enough to sleep in his own room.

Austin would cry whenever someone said the word “mommy.” Panic would fill his face and he would begin to throw a fit. When he began to talk, he actually told daddy that mommy was a bad person. Until the last year, he refused to call me mommy.

Austin didn’t know what a true family was.

In all honesty, raising Austin has been the most challenging and longest four years of my life. Not because he was difficult; I was prepared for that. What I wasn’t prepared for was the fighting that took place. What I wasn’t prepared for was the dirty and disgusting words and lies that came from his birth mother. What I wasn’t prepared for was the price tag that came along with fighting back and fighting for what was best for Austin. I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of helplessness when there was nothing more I could do.

A lot of people have tried to tell me that I was exaggerating, but let me tell you how awful Austin's biomom could actually be. I'm not going to sit here and say that she is an awful person ALL the time, because I don't know the answer to that. But when it came to us and Austin, she was anything but desirable.

 She taught Austin to call his daddy an asshole at the age of two. She lied to CPS saying that Gavin and I attacked her when she picked up Austin one day. One evening, after Austin had spent the afternoon with his biomom, he came home and called me a bitch because that's what mommy said I was. She told Austin that her new boyfriends (yes, plural) were his new daddy and he wasn't going to see Gavin anymore. She told Austin that daddy was mean to her and wouldn't let her keep him, even though it was she who was not stable enough to come and get her kid two nights a week.

She told everyone that Gavin held a gun to her head.

She told everyone that Gavin threatened to kill Austin.

She told everyone that Gavin wouldn't provide for her and her children. 

Even to this day she still tries to keep up the lies. I've been told that we are keeping Austin from her to make her look bad. That we are trying to steal Austin away from her. But she fails to mention the small truths: the courts wanted a drug test and psychology evaluation, but she refused. She forgets to tell everyone that we requested supervised visitation for the physical and mental safety of Austin. She forgets to tell everyone that she contacted us to sign over custody if we agreed to drop the court date. She also forgets to mention the fact that she has never willingly paid child support, and that she moves every time they get her address. 

And this only scratches the surface. As time goes on I am sure that I will share with you more stories that have shocked me to my core and many times changed the way that I see the world.

The reason behind why I am sharing these things with you is because I want you to see how he, how we as a family, prevailed against anything and everything she threw at us. I want you to see how we fought tooth and nail, no matter the cost, to protect Austin from anything and anyone, even if that included his own mother. We’ve paid thousands in attorney and court fees. I spent hours writing events down and taking photographs for evidence. We spent hours, and sometimes days, debating and arguing over the right decision, the right move, and what was best for Austin.

The two largest fights of our marriage have been about Austin’s situation.

Austin made me a mother. He made me realize how strong I actually am; and how I can continue to prevail when my strength is withering. Austin has awakened instincts that I didn’t know that I had. I did not know that I was able to love a child as much as I love Austin. I did not know that even though he did not come from my womb, I would sacrifice anything, including life, to keep him safe, to protect him. I didn’t know that all of my joys and fears could be wrapped in such a unique and adorable package.

I didn’t know that I could love someone as much as I love Austin.

I have watched him grow into this little boy. He started out as this lost and hurt little baby and has now grown into a healthy and happy boy. Nothing makes me happier than to watch him. He’s so smart, sometimes too smart for me, and he brings happiness to everything he touches. He has affected and changed my life, and so many others, for the better and I wouldn’t trade it for anything or anyone. 

So in November, Gavin and I made the most important decision of my lifetime; we decided that it was time for me to file for adoption of Austin. Stepparent adoptions can be a hot topic in the large world of blended families, but this was something we thought was best for Austin and for our family. I am excited to share this news with you, even though the battle has been a long bumpy one so far. 

This blog has gotten a little long for the evening, and if you have gotten to this point I owe you a huge THANK YOU! As things come and go in this process, I will keep you informed about our decisions and how it has affected us as a family. It is another part of being a stepmom that I want to share with you.

So I will close for the evening. I will be back soon with an update on our progress....and to probably vent some more about my crazy smommy world. But for now, heads up! Keep on keeping on. I know its rough....believe me I know its hard. But you're worth it; those wonderful kids are worth it. 

Be Brave,

Smommy Meredith

Not feeling it..

Today, I don't feel like a mom. Not even the step kind. I'm having a hard time with the fact that I can't, and never will be enough for my children. I'm not sure I'll ever be enough for my husband. I feel like a maid and a server. I'm just here to make their lives better, and who cares about mine?

Unfortunately, this is not the first time I've felt this way and it probably won't be the last. That thought doesn't make today any easier, but I'm trying. I will try to hold my head up, I will try to be the strong, unstoppable woman I am; but sometimes it's hard. 

Do you have these days? What do you do to get out of this funk? 

Painful Confession #1

Today has been a difficult Smommy day for me. I believe that there are certain things that, as a stepmom, will be a lot more difficult to get over and work past than others. The fact that neither one of my children is biologically mine, has been one of those challenges. But I think the biggest challenge in both my personal life, as well as in my profession, is getting over that some parents only pretend to be parents.

I would bend over backwards for either one of my children. I would protect them at all costs. But even more than that, my greatest goal is to see them achieve and succeed, and to be a part of that is the most rewarding thing I have ever had the pleasure to be a part of.

So when we go to school events and we get to see all their hard work and how much they are learning, there is a sense of pride that we are doing something right at home. Neither one of my children had the greatest home life, starting out. And one of my sons still has many struggles to overcome; so to see them at their finest moments is such a blessing and a relief, that they are not just surviving, but thriving.

But there's times when the other bio-parent gets in the way of that. I try my hardest to focus only on my children, but there has been spun a web of lies about me that is very difficult to swallow. When you know the truth about someone, watching them spin their bullshit to everyone around you is a difficult thing to listen to and watch. Even as a teacher, I can see which parents are involved, both positively and negatively, and which ones are just letting their children scrap by. It angers me to a point of retreat from the world, because I can't stand the disappointment. I can't stand the fact that I can't save them all.

I will not ever get the chance to have biological children; a realization that is very painful for me to bear. I cannot tell you how many times I've researched how to change it, fix it, prayed for it; but for some reason it is not in the cards for me. Watching all of these parents pretend to care, pretend to be there is that much harder to swallow because in my opinion they don't deserve the wonderful gift they were given. These people who shouldn't have kids can have them in dozens; while I suffer, childless, to watch parents cast their children aside; those same kids who deserve love, attention, guidance, and so much more than what they are given.

Watching from the outside is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. In reflection of this realization, I guess my challenge to you, is to be there. Don't be absent, physically or mentally. Even if you only have your stepchild periodically, or EOW, show them that you are there, always. Use the time you are given to give them the things they need, the love they need, that they may not be getting elsewhere. You may not be able to make a difference everywhere, but it starts with one.

Don't waste what you are given. They need you.

Be Brave,
Smommy Meredith

Full of Reflections

I was sitting at home last night thinking about how far we have come in the last four years. There have been some new developments this week in Austin's custody case, and even though I am anxious and nervous, I feel at peace with how far we've come and how long we have stayed true to the path we set for ourselves. As I review all of the history and evidence we have gathered for several years there are two things that come to mind about our situation that I wanted to share.

Pick your battles....and always do it in person. The first of which, I think, is pretty self explanatory.

In this day and age, it is very easy for people to hide behind social media and text messaging. People don't talk on the phone very often, and many of our bullying cases start from the use of a social media website. People get brave when they can hide behind the internet or their phone's screen saver. But one thing I have learned about being in a blended family is that when its time to talk about the kids, never do it through a phone.

Many people don't know how to write certain tones in their text messages or emails. I've actually had people tell me that you can't put tone in writing. YES YOU CAN! Don't argue with me, I have schooling and experience to prove it. Often times when we don't know how to relay the right tone, we send the wrong one. Even asking for something simple like "can I drop him off at 8 instead of 7" can turn into a huge argument when the wrong tone is sent.

There were many times that Gavin was trying to communicate with Austin's bio mom about what he needed. "Austin needs a stable mother," or "Please try harder for Austin," would be twisted around into "Gavin is keeping Austin from me" or "Gavin is trying to make me look like the bad parent." Its stupid and pointless in my opinion, but it made our lives a lot more stressful and frustrating to deal with her through a phone. Finally, I told Gavin to stop dealing with her text messages, and make her deal with you. She wasn't nearly as brave (although still stubborn) and cocky in person, and we could actually figure out issues and make arrangements accordingly. This changed our lives, for the better.

Now, as a side note, I will add this advice as well: the one thing our first crappy attorney told us to do (that actually worked out for us) was to document. Document every situation, every contact, and take pictures. When we did have to deal with her through text and/or email, it made it very easy for us to get hard core proof of the situation. Then it was not our word against hers. I have, literally, hundreds of photos on my computer of our conversations with Austin's bio mom. They were for our protection, but mostly for Austin's protection. This the only down side in doing things in person.

At one point, Austin's BM tried to attack me and my husband in a parking lot when we were dropping off Austin. The Department of Child Services was called, on her, not long after that and she tried to tell them that WE pinned HER to the side of her car and she felt that her life had been threatened. This is what I mean; there are risks involved when dealing with everything in person. But if you seem to have a decent and somewhat stable situation with the ex/bio parent, then make the effort to get along, and leave the social media drama to the tweens.

All in all, doing things in person has really cut down on the stress in our lives. Not to mention, there are some texts that are just not worth replying to. It took a while before Gavin and I could swallow our pride and not have to have the last word. But we are happier when we can put down the phone and walk away from a problem, that shouldn't be a problem to begin with. It has helped us focus on the things that are important; like Brian and Austin.

Be Brave,
Smommy Meredith

Thing 1 and Thing 2

You will find that I talk a lot about my youngest son, Austin. Although, I love both sons equally and treat them both the same, there are several reasons why you won't read much about my oldest, Brian. First and foremost, its out of respect for his mother. I do not know, and nor will I ever ask, how she would feel about me posting on my blog about him. As a set of four parents, we have a working relationship and the last thing I need is to throw a wrench in such a delicate relationship. There are enough outside forces to do that for us.

But the main reason that I won't talk about him as much is because when I met my husband, Brian's situation was already pretty stable. Gavin and his ex-wife had already been divorced for 5 years when we met and they have pretty much worked out the visitation and financial responsibility before I ever entered the picture. Even though the situation is in no way perfect, it works a majority of the time. And for the last several years we have had a minimum amount of problems, most of which could be solved through a few text messages.

Most of my learning experiences came through Austin's situation, so when I refer to things that I've learned while being a smommy, it will probably have to do with Austin. I had been with my husband for 2 months when we gained primary custody of Austin. He was not in the greatest shape and I quickly learned a LOT about being a mom and stepmom. Those are the experiences that I wish to share with other smommies; what I learned, how I would have done it differently, what was my proudest moment in that situation, etc.

We have to stick together somehow, and building a relationship on understanding is the first step. I think.

Be Brave,
Smommy Meredith

From the Beginning...

Where do I even start with this blog?

Five years ago, had you told me that I would be the stepmother to two little boys I would have asked you what you were smoking. I was newly married to my first husband, and I was madly in love with him. He was my present and future and there wasn't anything anyone could say or do to change that. Except for him.

The divorce came as a surprise to me. I was incredibly heartbroken; I was a divorced woman at the age of twenty-three. We were only married nine months, and my happily-ever-after, Cinderella fairytale wedding had been wasted on a man who didn't seem two give two shits about me. It shattered everything I knew about myself. It changed the way I saw the world, myself, and my future. So with the help of my wonderful granny, who had been there, and my supportive parents (married 30 years), I began to rebuild and restructure. And that's when I met my current and last husband.

He was the father of two little boys, each with a different mother. The path he had traveled was extremely different from mine, and it opened my eyes and my mind to things that I would have never imagined. You see, my husband had led a life of misfortune and bad decisions. He got married at a young age, had a child at an even younger age, rebounded from the failing of his marriage and ended up with another child that he wasn't ready for. It seemed as though with every decision, came an even tougher consequence, no matter how hard he tried to make the right one. After watching his oldest go through the torment and stress of living in a split household, he stayed in an abusive and unhealthy relationship for far too long, hoping that he was doing the right thing for his second child. But unfortunately, that situation ended up worse than the first.

When I met my husband, Austin, his youngest child was in a heaping amount of pain. He was torn between mom and dad, and his birth mother was almost invisible. Austin was a troubled and difficult child, with temper tantrums that could last for days and a scream that would split your ear drum in two. His situation was so unstable, that Austin was unstable in every aspect of his life; mentally, emotionally, physically. I found myself in the middle of a disaster, with my own storm still raging, and without any tools to prepare myself for what was to come.

So, what is the point of my sharing all of this with you? At SEVERAL points in this journey, the one I CHOSE and wouldn't trade, I found myself feeling lonely. Not because I wasn't spending time with my kids; not because I wasn't getting attention from my husband; not because my family wasn't supportive; but because I didn't know anyone who had "been there, done that." My goal in sharing these stories, these ups and downs, hardships and triumphs, is that you, as a stepmom, can feel that someone is in your corner. Someone understands. Someone is there to help cheer you on.

 I'm not here to bash the birth mothers that have entered and exited my life; so if that's what you are looking for, keep moving.

I'm here to band together, with like minds, like hearts, with a group of amazing women who have stepped up to the challenge and have bettered their lives and the lives of their families. I hope that in sharing my struggles and happiness, it will encourage you to keep pushing for yours.

Stick around...there's more to come.

Be Brave,
Smommy Meredith